Things my kids have taught me

My true colors come out in this post a bit.  If you are offended by some creative language, you may want to pass on this one.

-Never buy day of the week underwear.  Oh sure it’s cute to see a little “Wednesday” printed all over your kid’s butt, but what isn’t cute is when it’s really Sunday.  And contrary to When Harry Met Sally, they do make Sunday.  Not only is it a glaring reality of the last time your child was bathed, but you also have to search for the correct day when they actually do change their drawers.  It’s a pain in the Wednesday, if you know what I mean.
– Most children will be able to say son-of-a-bitch, clear as a bell, by 2 years old.  No real explanation necessary.  Kids will repeat just about anything that you can throw out there.  I actually think it’s hilarious, but it’s only hilarious up until the point when your child really knows what they are saying.  So I say enjoy it for a few months, have them say stuff that makes you blush and then never say it again.  By some miracle, my daughter never swears.  I never told her not to, she just figured it out.  And for the record, I didn’t follow my own rule of never speaking the words again.  I guess she just has a little more couth than her mom.  On the flip side, I’m pretty sure Rory is saying “Oh Shit” a lot, but it’s not clear enough for me or anyone else to be sure.
– Cleaning is an unbelievable waste of time.  Subtext, there is no point to having anything nice for at least 10 years.  You may have trained your children to be really clean, but I didn’t.  My kids will be your kids’ friends and my kids will spill shit all over your couch. 
– Crayola Crayons are the best.  Rose Art can suck it.  If it looks like a Crayola, smells like a Crayola, but says Rose Art, then your mom got the shitty crayons. 
– Introduce new foods to your kids early and often.  I have a 4 year old that asks for and eats sushi!  This is awesome for a few reasons.  For one, I don’t have to fix extra dinners when we eat something that most would consider “not kid friendly”.  Two, there aren’t huge melt downs if there are no chicken nuggets.  Three, we aren’t limited to eating in chain restaurants all the time.  T.O.G. is great, but I have to cap the soup, salad and breadstick meal at 2 a year.
– If you want an honest answer to the question “Does my butt look big in these jeans?”  Don’t ask a friend or spouse, ask a kid.  They are undeniably honest.  Actually, you don’t even need to ask, they’ll just tell you. 
Not my butt.

– Conversely, answer all of your children’s questions honestly.  There is one real reason I say this.  If you take the time to thoroughly answer a child’s question, I almost 100% guarantee the number of follow ups will be much fewer, if any at all if you bore them before they can irritate you.
– You really can tell if your child is ugly.  There is an assumption that if you have an ugly baby, you won’t know it because you are too blinded by the overwhelming love you have for the little tot.  This just isn’t true.  Now, I haven’t experienced this because my kids are absolutely adorable, but I have heard other people acknowledge their ugly baby.

So there you have it.  I’m not offering up any parenting advice, suggesting you do or even acknowledge any of the above, ie if you are a parent of an ugly baby, I’m just saying it would be really cool if you did.

1 thought on “Things my kids have taught me

  1. You my friend are hilarious. I also have not told mya to not swear and just like you I say the mother of all swear words often, and she has never said them outside of the home. I would also like to see someone admit their child is ugly. Mine of course are not but if they were I think I maybe could admit it. Keep writing and enjoy those lil ones – someday we’ll see you, I hope. S

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