I Can’t Make This Shit Up

There will be no pictures in today’s post and while I normally hate posting something without a picture, you will be thanking me by the time you get done reading…that is assuming you make it all the way through.

I don’t give Kamryn and Rory baths.  They both get showers because Kamryn’s hair is really long and it’s so much easier to get the shampoo and conditioner out if she is in the shower instead of a tub.  It takes two seconds to hose Rory off in the shower and I can be done before he even has a chance to complain about soap in his eyes.

It’s a little cold out (for San Diego weather) so I told the kids they could take a bath tonight instead of a shower.  They love baths, but for the reasons stated above, I rarely let them take one.  I filled up the tub and they were all excited to jump in, but not before making Rory pee.  He likes to pee in buckets and there are two buckets in the tub.

I got Kamryn’s hair washed and conditioned and had moved on to Rory while she was cleaning her body.  I told them they could play for a little bit before they had to get out.  I know this is wrong, but I left the bathroom while they were playing and got all of their clothes ready.  I could hear both of them splashing around and shrieking with laughter so I knew both were above water.

After listening to them for about 5 minutes, I made this comment to Ryan, “I can’t believe how much joy they get out of just taking a bath.”

I headed back to the bathroom to get the kids out of the tub and they had pulled the shower curtain shut.  This is has been a little joke between me and the kids.  They pull the curtain shut and I scare the crap out of them like in Psycho.  (That was a poor choice of words.)

I grabbed the curtain, pulled it open and was about to yell “BOO!” when I saw two wet and naked kids, holding hands and jumping around in the water, laughing hysterically.

Remember the scene in Caddyshack where someone drops a Baby Ruth in the pool?  There were a couple of fun sized Baby Ruths and numerous little nuggets floating around in the tub.  Rory shit in the tub and they were trying to get away from the floaters.

Besides being completely appalled and disgusted by the scene laid out in front of me, I was now faced with the challenge of fishing out the feces without gloves.  The kids were transferred to the other bathroom to be re-showered and I started the task of netting some turds.

Kamryn had never shat in the tub and I was 99.9% certain that I was out of the woods with Rory, but still hesitated to ever publicly boast that my kids had never shit in the tub for fear of jinxing myself.  HA!

Once I was done dumping all the poop and dry heaving, I went in to discuss the events with the children.  Kamryn kept insisting it was not her fault since Rory was the one that defecated in the tub, but couldn’t give me a reason as to why she didn’t 1) get out of the tub or 2) call for me to come back the minute she saw the first turd.  Rory just kept laughing and then tried to tell me “It was just a little bit of poop, Mama.”  Wrong answer, son.

Finally, between fits of laughter, Kamryn held up Rory’s right  hand and made him repeat the following: I promise not to poop in the tub again.

7 thoughts on “I Can’t Make This Shit Up

  1. You and I are like the same person. I too do not give baths for the exact same reasons (other than peeing in buckets). We just had the conversation 2 nights about about pooping in the tub. Funny shit…literally.

    • Actually, I think you gave me the idea of showering the kids. I remember you telling me you gave “Little” a shower and she was probably younger than Rory is right now. My children will never take a bath again. At least not on my watch.

  2. Ugh. I totally fear your pain. May I suggest trying paper towels? I haven’t tried it myself due to us fully giving up baths after one of my kids dropped a missile in my garden tub when the jets were on. Anyways, the paper towel commercials always show how they can be wet and still hold things and not break. Worth a shot.

    I can’t help with the gagging and dry-heaving. I’m yet to find a solution to that. Maybe hire a cleaning lady and then pretend that you didn’t see it in there?

    • Oh thank God we don’t have jets. That would just be like a blender! The bucket kind of worked – and then I just dumped it straight in the toilet. It is still making my stomach churn.

  3. Pingback: Time To Clean It Up | 10:02

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