About Amy

I am a stay at home mom to two kids, Kamryn and Rory. They are pretty much the coolest kids ever. I love not working, but have noticed that my brain seems to work a little slower than it used to. I'm constantly looking for some stimulation - flashing lights or pretty colors possibly even a craft or two. I try to incorporate humor in my everyday life because you can find humor in everything...yes, everything, it's all in the timing. I have been known to get myself into some interesting situations and I can almost always come out laughing in the end. If you can't laugh at yourself, you have no business laughing at anyone else. I'm not good at censoring myself so I tend to write like I speak. If you are curious what that is like, just know that my daughter referred to our cat, Shmoopy (RIP 1996-2009) as "That Fucking Cat" for pretty much her entire 2nd year of life. I tend to think I am right a lot. And truth be told, I am right a lot. The saying "I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong." isn't just a funny quip, but is kind of my mantra. It's easy to be right when you only spout off about things you know about. Therefore, I tend to stay away from topics involving politics, religion and global warming. My hope is that you have learned something from me by stopping by. I try to find the simplest solution to common everyday problems from cooking to potty training to working out. I'll share my experiences regardless of how embarrassing, humorous or graphic they may be to help you simplify your day. If nothing else, I'm usually good for a laugh. Thanks for stopping by!

Flashback Friday Hostess Style

I’m sure most have heard the awful news that Hostess is going out of business.  I haven’t had a Hostess product in awhile, but I have chalked up quite a few indulgences in my 36 years.  How you eat a Hostess Cupcake is more of a personal preference than the underwear you choose to wear under your chinos.  I preferred to peel off the frosting and set it aside.  I would then break the cake in half and lick out the cream filling.  I would eat the cake next and finally the frosting wafer.

I loved the two pack of cupcakes.  Whenever I bought it, I would eat one cupcake with the intention of saving the second for the next day.  Inevitably, I would eat that second cupcake within the hour.  Screw Sprinkles – I like Hostess Cupcakes. Besides the cupcakes, a very close runner up in my Hostess indulgences were the Fruit Pies.  I remember eating these all the time as a kid.  They were so much better than real pie because of that layer of sugary glaze on the outside.  I didn’t like pie crust as a kid because it wasn’t sweet enough.  This solved that problem and made a piece of pie a convenient, handheld delight.

I liked the blueberry one the best, but those were sometimes hard to find.  I made Ryan go out and find me one when I was pregnant with one of the kids and I believe I had to settle for apple.  I had such a huge craving that I probably could have eaten 6 in one sitting.  I loved everything about these pies – the taste, the weight (they were heavy!) and even the wrapper.  Luckily, I didn’t eat 6 because I may have gone into a diabetic coma or had a heart attack.  The “real fruit” pies are absolutely horrible for you.

Fruit Pie Nutritional Information

Another one of my favorites was the Ho Ho.

It was basically just a cupcake flattened and rolled up, but the frosting was that waxy stuff that left a greasy feeling in your mouth.  I always tried to completely unroll the Ho Ho before I ate it, but that was a next to impossible feat.

Hostess held the market on so many scrumptious little pastries like SnoBalls, Ding Dongs, Donettes, Suzy Q’s, Chocodiles and Sweet Rolls.  Each one had their own little qualities and characteristics that was unique to that one product.  The store brand knock offs didn’t really compare to the Hostess brands.  They would do in a pinch, but they just didn’t quite satisfy that Hostess craving.

One Hostess product that I never really liked was the Twinkie.  I didn’t like the texture of the cake.  It was way too spongy for my liking.  I never felt like I fully got it chewed up in my mouth.  Also, the urban legend that a Twinkie had a nearly infinite shelf life never much appealed to me.

I know I’m not the only one that feels like a little part of their childhood is dying with that blue and red cellophane wrapper.  These products really are snack classics.

 

I’m Sorry President Obama, I Can’t Hear You. I Have A Flag In My Head.

I stayed up to hear The President’s victory speech, but unfortunately, I didn’t hear much until Obama snapped me back to attention by yelling “WE ARE THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!”  I was too distracted by watching the people behind The President and to the odd mixture of audience members.

I was watching the woman standing behind Obama’s right shoulder.  She was posing or giving f-me eyes to the camera the entire time.  If you go back and watch the speech again, you can see her either trying to seduce Obama’s back or possibly using her 15 minutes of fame to look a little whorish.

I went in search of a still photo that included the little seductress and found that there were many more people distracted by the woman over Obama’s left shoulder who had stuck her flag in her hair.  I noticed her, but didn’t find her flag-head nearly as distracted as the woman licking her lips and batting her eyes.

Ryan gets credit for the Willow Smith song play.

Dumbshit With The Desk

I don’t expect much from people.  Really.  Just some common sense, a little logic and maybe some interesting conversation every once and awhile.

Ever since Sunday, I kept getting a phone call from someone with a 310 area code.  According to Wikipedia, that is somewhere in the Los Angeles area.  I don’t know anyone in LA.  I mean, I know people who live there, but my guess is that they aren’t calling me.  Ellen?  Tom?

Anyway, along with the calls, that I decided not to answer, I also got a text which read:

Hi!  Is this desk still available?

With a picture of a desk.

I thought about sending back a smart ass response, but I get scared and paranoid about that stuff.  Like what if the text was coming from…inside the house!  So I ignored the text too.

This afternoon I got yet another call from my 310 buddy.  This time I answered it because I was feeling feisty.

Me:  Hello?

310 Buddy: Uh, hello?

Me:  I just said that.

310 Buddy:  What?

Me:  What do you want?

310 Buddy:  Oh.  OK.  Is the desk still available?

Me:  I don’t know.

silence

Me:  I’m just kidding.  I don’t have a desk.

silence

Me:  Hello?

310 Buddy:  Craigslist.

Me:  Yeeees?

310 Buddy:  Is this 619-733-XXXX?

Me:  Yes.

310 Buddy:  You have a desk for sale on Craigslist.

Me:  No, I don’t.  It’s the wrong number.  Can you give me the ad number?

310 Buddy:  Ad number?

Me:  Yes.

310 Buddy:  I don’t se…oh yeah, here’s a number.

Silence

Me:  Can you give it to me?

310 Buddy:  Do you have a pen?

Me:  I have a pencil.

Silence

Me:  *sigh*  I’m ready.

310 Buddy:  Oh!  OK…it’s 33044….

Me:  Thanks!

310 Buddy:  OK.  So…

Me:  Bye.

So now I don’t know who got beat with the stupid stick worse.  The guy trying to buy the desk or the moron that posted the ad with the wrong phone number.

Because I’m such a nice person, I replied to the post on Craigslist and let the guy selling the desk that he had an interested party and left 310 Buddy’s phone number, along with a request to change the phone number in his ad.  It is going to really blow 310 Buddy’s mind if he gets a call from the Desk Seller.

All of this for a crappy desk:

WE WERE ON A BREAK!

Yesterday I forgot to do my daily post.  I have posted something every single day in 2012 and yesterday I just forgot.  Actually, I remembered at about 8:00 when I was putting the kids to bed, but immediately after I closed their doors, I climbed right into bed and read my book.

I woke up this morning at 4:13 and realized what I had done and it sent a wave of panic through me.  That reaction has led me to make the decision to stop forcing myself to post something every day.  I actually considered getting up and writing something really quick in the hopes that I could sneak it on the sly – or make up an excuse about how I preemptively said I wasn’t going to post anything on 9/21/12.  How ridiculous is that?

First off, I don’t think many people even realize that I committed myself to writing every day.  Secondly, I don’t think many peoplecare if I write something every day, every other day or once a week.

Anyway, I’m still going to post, but I am relieving myself of this daily task.  And now that I have put that in writing, I’m sure I’ll be blessed with infinite ideas about what I could write about.

Not My Finest Hour

Today is my dear husband’s birthday and on this day of celebration, it’s unfortunate that his wife got beat by the stupid stick.  I know it has absolutely nothing to do with me going out to karaoke with my friends last night and possibly overindulging in a vast array of tasty beverages.  Nope…no connection whatsoever.

After waking up and feeling like I got run over by a truck, I dropped Kamryn off at school and immediately went back home and watched TV with Rory.  He watched two episodes of Parenthood with me without complaint.  That was enough of a break for me to get up and take a shower and then run to Wendy’s for the essential “morning after” french fry run.  Once I had my fill of deep fat fried deliciousness, it was time to pick Kamryn up from school.

Kamryn had her kindergarten evaluation today so she stayed after school with her teacher for an extra half hour while Mrs. M tested her.  I needed to be at school at 12:15 and when I walked out of the house, it was 12:04.  At 12:06, I realized I did not have my keys.  I had Rory with me so there was no way that I could get to school in time.  If I had a stroller, I could have busted ass to get there in time, but with a dawdling 3 year old in tow, it was out of the question.

I contemplated calling the school to tell them I would be late, but decided against that and instead called my friend, Kate, who lives only a couple of blocks away and stated my dilemma.  She offered to go pick up Kamryn at school and explain to Mrs. M that Kamryn’s mom is a moron and locked herself out.  I agreed that that was probably best.

Rory and I walked to Kate’s house while she went to pick up Kamryn with her girls, who were very concerned about Kamryn’s state of mind since I wasn’t at school to get her.  I love how Kamryn’s friends are looking out for her in her hour of need.  Fortunately, Kamryn doesn’t get too worked up about that sort of thing and I’m sure was pleasantly surprised to be picked up by her friends instead of her mother.

In the meantime, I had tried calling  Ryan at work and got his voicemail.  I left him a message and then sent him a follow up text in case he was in a meeting.  Next I texted my brother, who has a spare key, to see if I could easily break into his place to retrieve my key.  There was not, but he agreed to drive home on his lunch break to unlock his place so I could get the key.

Kamryn, Rory and I walked to my brother’s place, which is luckily about 50 yards away from our house, got the key and finally got home.  The whole ordeal took an hour.

This is when we all sit back and wonder what we did before cell phones and try to figure out what we would have done to resolve the issue.  I do not know anyone’s phone number anymore.  I know 3 phone numbers:  mine, Ryan’s cell and my parent’s home number.  That’s it.  I don’t know my brother’s cell, parents’ cells, Ryan’s work and certainly not the number of anyone I have met in the last 10 years.

Honestly, I think I would have attempted to somehow climb up on the balcony and go through the siding glass door, which was open.  We have a huge ladder hanging out on our balcony which two different people have request to borrow after locking themselves out of their condos.  It seems we are the only people with a ladder tall enough to get up on a 2nd floor balcony.  And it’s a bit ironic that the only ones the ladder can’t help are the owners of said ladder during a lock out situation.  That should have been one of the verses of Alanis’s song.

Guess Wha’ Today Be?

’tis National Talk Like A Pirate Day!  I looked all o’er t’ find a good translator ‘n I found th’ best one on pirate.monkeyness.com.  I find that when I try t’ natter like a pirate, I end up speakin’ in a really bad Jamaican accent.  I be goin’ t’ keep this short ’cause I be already annoyin’ meself wit’ all o’ th’ apostrophes.

Last night when I went t’ bed, me nose was all stuffed up ‘n I was feelin’ bad…nah jus’ sluggish, but I felt like complete Davy Jones’ locker.  Rory has had a cold since Sunday night ‘n ’twas clear he had passed it on t’ me.  I dosed meself wit’ some Nyquil ‘n went t’ bed.  This mornin’ when I woke up, I didn’ feel much better, but had t’ get th’ sprogs t’ school ‘n ’tis me runnin’ day.

A while back I posted that th’ cure fer a hangover was runnin’.  I ‘ave now discovered that it also cures th’ common cold.  I really didn’ feel like runnin’ ‘n th’ first mile was more than hard, but then it started gettin’ easier ‘n while I only ran 4 o’ me scheduled nigh-on two leagues, I chalked that up as a win.

One slightly disturbin’ thin’ about this, though.  I was lootin’ a shower afterwards ‘n I lost some time.  I be nah sure how much – maybe jus’ a minute or two, but thar was a definite lapse in time.  It kind o’ felt like I fell asleep standin’ up.  I didn’ pass out or feel dizzy, jus’ nah really conscious.  Oh well.  If ye be in th’ medical profession ‘n that’s a sign o’ somethin’ serious, let me know, but I be pretty sure I be OK.

Alright, enough o’ this.  Happy Pirate Day!

1950’s Housewives On Sale In Aisle 5!

This morning, on what has become a weekly trip to Target, I took a detour through the women’s clothes to see if their swim suits were marked down enough for me to buy a couple for next year.  They were not.

I have amazing peripheral vision.  Really, I’m not kidding.  I think my eyeballs are shaped really spherically or something because I can almost see behind me.  Or maybe my peripheral vision isn’t actually better than anyone else and I just choose to actually take note of those little somethings seen out of the corner of my eye.

Well, today I saw a pattern that appealed to me and so I approached to find a dress on the clearance rack with a price tag of $3.76.  From what I can surmise, the dress was bought online and returned to the store and they didn’t know how to price it because it was an “Online Only” item.

I didn’t try it on because I didn’t have time and for $3.76, even if I only wear it once, I’ll kind of feel like it was worth it.  I got it home, tried it on and immediately can see why it was returned.  The dress is not flattering.  At least not on me.  The more I looked at myself in the mirror, the more I thought I was resembling June Cleaver.  Hmmm…not a good look for me.I’m going to wear it out – I have to at least once.  Can I just say that I did not notice the puffy sleeves when I bought it.  That may have been a deal breaker.  I do not like puffy sleeves even on my 5 year old daughter.  Also, sorry about the lack of makeup.  I do not see a need for it on most days – immediately eliminating me from the Mrs. Cleaver roll.

Weekley Menu 9/17 – 9/23

Check out the organization on Amy!  I have been in organization mode lately.  I rearranged my short/tank top drawer last week, put all of Kamryn’s school work from last year in a binder (yes, I keep everything – even the little pictures her friends made her), started new binders for this year, categorized my recipe binder and organized all of my PTA crap stuff.

When I am organized, I do my weekly menu.  When I’m not organized, we eat out.  I’m hitting up skinnytaste.com again – it treated me well last week.

Monday – Chicken Piccata – I don’t think I have had this before, but there was a comment on the recipe that said chicken piccata isn’t usually breaded.  Oh well – I like breaded stuff better and I have breadcrumbs so it’s going to be breaded.  I don’t, however have capers and I don’t know if I’ll make it to the store today.

Tuesday – Tacos/Tostadas – This was Kamryn’s choice.  That girl loves tacos and so do I.  I recently started buying tostadas and melting cheese on them.  I love it.  Anyway, I have a bag of tostadas already so I most likely won’t buy the shells.

Wednesday – Vietnamese Shaking Beef (Bo Luc Lac) – This sounds intriguing.  The recipe suggests serving it over a bed of greens and tomatoes.  I’ll probably do that for me and Ryan and let the kids have it over rice.

Thursday – It’s Ryan’s birthday.  He gets to choose where we go to eat.

Friday – Cheesy Zucchini Enchiladas – I’m really trying to get at least one vegetarian meal or more a week.  I know I could never go 100% vegetarian, but I don’t need to eat meat everyday either.  These looked pretty good and my kids like zucchini.

Saturday – Crock Pot Buffalo Chicken Lettuce Wraps – Another Kamryn choice.  It’s football season and what better than some kind of wing related entrée?  Kamryn loves bleu cheese as well and when she saw the picture of a wrap with a pile of bleu cheese on it, she was sold.

Sunday – Pizza – I haven’t made pizza for awhile because it’s been so hot and I can always eat pizza.

Happy eating!

 

Beach Day

We spent the day at the beach.  Kamryn was getting a little better at boogie boarding.  That wasn’t as easy as I thought it was.  I got washed off the two times I tried it…much to the amusement of the French man playing with his kids at the edge of the water.  Kamryn told me I was too large for her boogie board.  Rory gave it a whirl too, but he must have been too small because he washed right off as well. 

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Rory vs. the waves.

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Kamryn claims she puked here because she swallowed ocean water.

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Kamryn And Rory Say…

I have been playing catch up on a lot of my stuff lately.  I have blogs that I love to read, but haven’t had the time to catch up on all the posts, emails that I have been putting off responding to for one reason or another, a stack of magazines that I haven’t read and I’m 3 days behind in my Lil Journal Project.

Today I am attempting to get through the magazine pile.  It’s about a billion degrees outside so we are stuck indoors for the afternoon and trying to entertain each other.  Ryan is held up in the bedroom watching football and the kids are bored as hell.  I was reading through a special supplement to one of my Real Simple issues that focuses on family.  There was a page with unfinished proverbs with endings made up by kids.  I decided to see what my kids had to say.  You can get a free printable from RS here.

A woman’s work is…

Kamryn: Qualcomm.

Rory: What?

You can’t teach an old dog…

Kamryn:  to do tricks.

Rory:  to eat me.

Good things come to those who…

Kamryn:  to kids that are good.

Rory:  to kitties.

People who live in glass houses…

Kamryn:  get scratches.

Rory:  break.

Life is a bowl of…

Kamryn:  wishes.

Rory:  baseball.

If you don’t have anything nice to say…

Kamryn:  say “hi!”

Rory:  just do it.

If wishes were horses…

Kamryn:  you’ll get a donkey kick.

Rory:  get a guy on there and say “neeeeiiiiiiggggghhhh!”

The early bird catches…

Kamryn:  a worm.

Rory:  a dragon.

You can’t have your cake and…

Kamryn:  until it’s your birthday.

Rory:  your birthday.

I kept the kids separate when I asked them to finish the sentences – apparently we only have cake when it’s someone’s birthday.  I was impressed that Kamryn got a couple of them semi-right, but I have to be honest, I have never heard the “If wishes were horses…” proverb before.  I’m going to go out on a limb and say that neither of my kids finished that correctly.