High heels | 10:02

I have made a horrible mistake. And what makes this mistake more horrible than others is that I did it out of vanity. Sometimes I do things out of vanity and they turn out OK…eventually.

For example, my front 4 teeth are fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. I decided to get veneers to fix the space between my two front teeth. I thought about braces, but I’m not patient enough. As it turns out, I really wish I would have done the braces.

The first set of veneers I got had to be chiseled off and redone after a year. Apparently, I should have done a little research on the dentist I chose to put on the veneers before I had them sand off all of my enamel and do a half ass job of putting fake teeth in my mouth. Dr. Bob in Des Moines did the ones I have now and he did a fantastic job. I have had them for 9 years, almost to the day.

My vanity mistake from today isn’t as permanent or invasive as getting my teeth sawed down to little nubs and then having porcelain glued to them, but it may end up being more painful. I bought 5″ heels to go with a dress. The reason I didn’t get 6″ heels is because I am not a stripper.

They hurt my feet just looking at them.

When I was little, I would play dress up with my mom’s shoes and clothes and I thought I walked pretty well in heels when I was about 5. I didn’t wear heels again until I was in my 20’s. The grunge look and my Doc Marten boots kept my feet firmly on the ground through high school and college.

I bought some high heeled boots and wore them to work every so often in my mid to late 20’s. After awhile, my feet started getting used to them and they didn’t hurt as bad. Then I got pregnant. See ya later, boots! Those boots didn’t see the light of day again until after Rory was born. I recently got them out again and after walking up and down the hall a couple of times I threw them back in the closet and got out a pair of wedges instead.

So why did I buy these? Well, I knew that this was the color of shoe I wanted. Thanks to Kate Middleton and her trendsetting, it is impossible to find a reasonable heel height in this color of shoe. If you go too low, it looks awfully geriatric-y. I know this because Payless has a pump style with about a 3″ heel that was really comfortable, but it just looked like I raided the 55+ community estate sale down the street once I had them on my feet.

Yeah, you may think they don’t look too bad, but I’m serious when I say they are not flattering once they are on.

So again, why did I buy these? I did some calculations. If I wear these shoes, my BMI drops 2 points. Yep, I’m instantly thinner. No diets, no pills – just instant body proportioning. My weight stays the same, but I am a full 3½ inches taller, which doesn’t really make sense since the heel is 5″ tall, but whatever.

Also, my calf muscle really pops out. All that running is finally getting a little recognition on my lower legs. I’m a little concerned that since my muscle will be constantly flexed that I’m going to end up getting a horrendous cramp that will force me to remove my pretty shoes, but that is a risk I’m willing to take.

I put my shoes on when I got home and was walking around while I made the kids’s lunch. The shoes didn’t hurt that bad, but they certainly aren’t comfortable. When I finally took them off, after about 20 minutes, I got that same feeling as when you take off roller skates. Remember you would be skating for hours and then when the skates came off and you lost your 2 – 3 inches of height, you suddenly felt extremely close to the floor? I felt like I not only gained back those 2 BMI points, but added about 4 more.

I don’t think Katie Holmes thought this divorce thing through with Tom. One of the headlines read that she was excited to finally wear heels again – I can say with absolute certainty that I will be excited to wear these again.