The Most Terrifying Words I Have Ever Heard

Rory has been in the midst of potty training for about 3 weeks.  I think I can finally say we are officially potty trained.  I’m even getting rid of all the diapers since he hasn’t worn one in at least a week – maybe even 2.  At night I’m still putting him in a Pull Up, but it’s been dry in the morning and he has actually even woken up in the middle of the night to pee on two different occasions.  The reason why I’m going into such detail is because I want everyone to know he is really potty trained.

One thing that I have discovered since becoming a mom is that parents are terribly competitive when it comes to the accomplishments of their children.  The major milestones are always big scorers.  Things like walking, potty training, reading, riding a bike, getting a tooth and then losing a tooth – all big deals for kids and parents.

I don’t feel like I’m too competitive in announcing my child’s accomplishments.  It’s mostly I’m genuinely proud of them and want to share my excitement.  One thing that really bothers me is when a parent is boasting about their child’s accomplishments before they are indisputably doing them.  Let me explain.

When Kamryn was just shy of 1 year old, we met up with some friends.  Before the playdate, I was told by this friend that her child, who I’ll call Pof (Pants On Fire – as in liar, liar), who was a month younger than Kamryn, was walking.  I admit, I was a little surprised and immediately thought what is wrong with Kamryn?  She should be walking!  I was getting all worked up until we actually had our playdate.  Guess who wasn’t walking?!  POF!  What Pof was capable of doing was pushing around a toy, chair or stroller and walking behind it.  That is not walking.  If you took away the props, Pof was on her ass.

I am way off track here, but here is another example:  I recall another parent telling me that their child had been potty trained since 18 months, but now, at age 3, would only shit in a diaper.  Uh, guess what…your child isn’t potty trained.

Remember the scene in Big Daddy, starring Adam Sandler?  No?  Watch….

My only regret is that they didn’t include Adam saying “I know!” in the clip.  That is what makes it funny.  Moving on, once you get to the point of your child wiping their own ass…well, (wiping a tear from my eye) it’s a pretty big damn deal.

Today, when I was in the shower I heard all kinds of things going on in the kid’s bathroom.  We share a wall so I knew something was amiss.  The minute I turned the water off, Rory was trying to open the door to my bathroom.  I knew it wasn’t going to be good, but I tried to remain optimistic.  I took one look at my little boy with a shirt on and absolutely nothing on the bottom and I was scared, but only when he said “Mama, me go BIG POOP!” did I realize I had a major situation on my hands.  I wrapped the towel around me and ran to the other bathroom, leaving wet footprints on the carpet (one of my biggest pet peeves, besides the actual phrase, pet peeve).  There was no evidence of any feces.  He toddled behind me and I asked him if he wiped and he said “No me wipe my buuuuuttttt!”  OK…crisis averted.   See, until a child actually knows how to wipe their own ass, you don’t want them to even attempt it.  It’s a mess.

Until that exact moment, I thought I was going to be cleaning off excrement from the walls, toilet and any other object that Rory came into contact with in the moments following his “big poop”.  Nope.  Rory just hopped off the shitter and didn’t sit on anything until he presented me with his achievement of pooping on his own.

What had started off as terror, soon turned to elation!  The boy knew not to put his underwear back on, avoiding “bacon strips” in his pants and didn’t sit on the carpet and scoot his butt around like a dog.  AWESOME SAUCE!!!

My non-shit wiping kid.