Kamryn And Rory Say…

I have been playing catch up on a lot of my stuff lately.  I have blogs that I love to read, but haven’t had the time to catch up on all the posts, emails that I have been putting off responding to for one reason or another, a stack of magazines that I haven’t read and I’m 3 days behind in my Lil Journal Project.

Today I am attempting to get through the magazine pile.  It’s about a billion degrees outside so we are stuck indoors for the afternoon and trying to entertain each other.  Ryan is held up in the bedroom watching football and the kids are bored as hell.  I was reading through a special supplement to one of my Real Simple issues that focuses on family.  There was a page with unfinished proverbs with endings made up by kids.  I decided to see what my kids had to say.  You can get a free printable from RS here.

A woman’s work is…

Kamryn: Qualcomm.

Rory: What?

You can’t teach an old dog…

Kamryn:  to do tricks.

Rory:  to eat me.

Good things come to those who…

Kamryn:  to kids that are good.

Rory:  to kitties.

People who live in glass houses…

Kamryn:  get scratches.

Rory:  break.

Life is a bowl of…

Kamryn:  wishes.

Rory:  baseball.

If you don’t have anything nice to say…

Kamryn:  say “hi!”

Rory:  just do it.

If wishes were horses…

Kamryn:  you’ll get a donkey kick.

Rory:  get a guy on there and say “neeeeiiiiiiggggghhhh!”

The early bird catches…

Kamryn:  a worm.

Rory:  a dragon.

You can’t have your cake and…

Kamryn:  until it’s your birthday.

Rory:  your birthday.

I kept the kids separate when I asked them to finish the sentences – apparently we only have cake when it’s someone’s birthday.  I was impressed that Kamryn got a couple of them semi-right, but I have to be honest, I have never heard the “If wishes were horses…” proverb before.  I’m going to go out on a limb and say that neither of my kids finished that correctly.



Rory As Turtleman

Until about a month ago, I had never head of Turtleman or Live Action.  My brother discovered Turtleman on Call Of The Wildman and insisted that Rory watch it.

Basically, Ernie, AKA, Turtleman is called upon to catch animals that have shown up in people’s houses, businesses or farms.  What makes Ernie different than any other animal or pest control business is that he catches these animals with his bare hands and throws them into a burlap sack to be released elsewhere.  Also, Ernie’s payments range from a cooler full of steaks to a private banjo concert by some well known banjo player…I’m not up on my banjo players so I can’t recall the name of the guy.

Anyway, I showed Rory and Kamryn an episode of Call Of The Wildman and they were both hooked…screaming out “Live Action!” at any and every possible moment.

Yesterday, Rory spotted a spider running across the floor.  After his initial scream, he ran and got a tissue and tried to catch it.  I grabbed my camera and recorded him.  If you turn it up, you can hear Rory saying “Turtleman!” over and over as he’s trying to squish the spider.


Glass Case Of Emotion!

I’m here for you, Ron.

Today was an interesting day.  I have never felt so bi-polar in all my life and I only have my children to thank.

This morning I woke up and felt an empty pit in my stomach (I think it’s a gall bladder issue).  It was just before 6:00 and I was secretly hoping Rory would wake up so we could hang out a little and I could gauge his feelings about starting preschool today.

Shortly after 6:00, Rory got up, came into my room (I had yet to actually leave my bed) with his outfit for his first day of school in his hands.  He said, “I’m ready to put my clothes on!”  So much for feeling the need to discuss this whole school thing.

After a breakfast of banana oatmeal, which he only took 3 bites of, I told him to brush his teeth.  He told me he wanted me to do it, but I was making Kamryn’s lunch and told him he was a big boy and he needed to do it.  We had a little back and forth argument about brushing teeth.  *Glancing at the clock*  When does he have to be at school????

By this time, Kamryn had awoken from her slumber and was demanding breakfast and then proceeded to argue with Rory about how many days he was going to be in school.  For the love of all that is holy!  Everyone shut the hell up for a minute and leave each other alone!

We were all ready, walking out the door, and Rory grabbed my hand.  He has done this every single day for as long as we have lived here, but today…oh today it was something different.  Tears were welling up in my eyes as me and my little buddy started down the stairs.

Once we got in the car, Rory was asking when I was going to drop him off.  We have discussed the procedure at great length for the last few days, but Rory continues to insist that he be dropped off first.  To which Kamryn screams in his face, “I HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL FIRST OR I’LL BE LATE!”  Aaaaaaagggggghhhhh!

Rory finally relented and we get Kamryn to school without further incident.  The next obstacle is going back home, grabbing a snack and walking Rory across the street to preschool.  He starts to tell me he wants me to drive, but since I plan on running immediately after he gets dropped off, I don’t want to have to drive back across the street and park the car and drop off my keys and purse before I go.

He was finally in agreement and we headed out the door.  As we were walking, we talked about all the things he might do today.  I would ask him if he thought he was going to sing songs and he would reply with an enthusiastic, “Yep!”  Play outside?  “Yep!”  Once again we held hands and talked about how awesome preschool is and how many pine cones we saw.  The kid is obsessed with pine cones all of a sudden.

I got to the gate to go inside and I said, “We’re here for preschool.”  The woman just smiled and nodded because she could tell I really had to struggle to get that sentence out without letting my voice crack.

We were there about 15 minutes early so I could take some pictures.He was a bit hesitant when he was approached by one of the teachers, but then blurted out that he had on an Olympic shirt and he was Michael Phelps.  Nice.  When it was time to go in his classroom, he slowly let go of my hand and walked in to his carpet spot.  His teacher already was welcoming the kids in with a song about dinosaurs and Rory jumped right in with the actions.  I walked out, nearly on the verge of a breakdown, stopped and walked back to peek in the door just to make sure he wasn’t looking for me.  He turned around right as I looked in and waved good-bye.  I blew him a kiss and immediately turned and started frantically looking for something…anything on my phone so all the other parents wouldn’t see the tears streaming down my face.

Once I got to the parking lot, I wiped my eyes, blew my nose, turned on Pandora and I…was….runn-ning!  My thoughts never left my little boy and once I got home about an hour later, I walked into silence.  Oh wow!  It’s quiet!

I took a shower without anyone barging into the bathroom to discuss what bodily functions they needed to take care of or screaming that someone hit them.  I could shave my legs in a leisurely and thorough fashion instead of some half-assed shave job that left tufts of hair on my knees and ankles.

And then when I got out of the shower, I could get dressed in what I wanted without recommendations from my fashionista daughter or questions about certain parts of my anatomy.  Things were looking up!

I spent the next two hours on the couch, watching HGTV.  My parents are in town so my mom came over to help out at pick up since both kids will be getting out at almost the exact same time for the rest of the month.

I went to pick up Rory and while I waited for him to get dismissed, one of the teachers came up and told me how great he did and that he was the sweetest little boy.  I handed her a picture to put on his cubby and she hugged it…seriously.  I’m not saying she was crazy, but she really likes Rory.  And just for the record, this is the picture that’s going on his cubby.

Yeah, I know.

Once I saw Rory come out of his classroom, I started to tear up again, but it was short lived when I saw how happy and excited he was.  He told me he had cheese at snack time.  Awesome.

And not long after we got home, he was passed out from his big day at school.

Those maze worksheets and follow the line activities really wear a kid out.

He only slept for about an hour and right as he woke up, I got a text from the mom of one of the kids in Kamryn’s class who asked if the kids could come over for an hour to play.  I told them they could, but I didn’t want her to feel like she had to take both of them without me.  She insisted and I conceded.  I’m once again home alone!


The Time Is Upon Us

Or me.  The time is upon me.

Rory’s first day of school is tomorrow and so far I have been able to keep my shit together, but God knows what kind of hot mess is going to be stumbling out of the preschool doors after drop off.

I’m purposely going to have my running gear on to make myself go for a run so I am distracted by thoughts of some fellow 3 year old taking advantage of the new kid, who just happens to be comfortably wearing size 18-24 month shorts.  My little man…off to school.

Tonight when I put Rory to bed, I read him The Kissing Hand.  Some family friends gave the book to Kamryn a few years ago and I used to read it to her all the time.  I cannot get through that book without tearing up, though.  So tonight, through blurry vision and a shaky voice, Rory learned about The Kissing Hand.  I kissed his little left hand and he giggled, but then held it to his cheek, just like in the book.  I am 100% screwed tomorrow.

I had to fill out a ton of paperwork before Rory could start school and one of the questions asked me how I would describe my child’s personality.  Heh…like I’m going to be honest.  He is the most loving and friendliest little boy.  He is very compliant, always listens and can read at a 5th grade level.  As Kamryn would say, “Mommy, that’s P.S.”  I should have just given them the pictures below.  Damn!  I just remembered I have to bring a picture of him tomorrow for his cubby.


Rory learned a new skill today:  How to break bad news with a joke.

This morning Rory came in to wake me up with this:

Rory:  Knock, knock.

Me:  Who’s there.

Rory:  Pee.

Me:  Pee who?

Rory:  I pee in my bed.

I asked him if he was serious or it was just a joke.  He said it was just a joke.

Rory learned two new skills today:  How to lie to his mom.

Rethinking Preschool

There is a chance that Rory will be starting preschool in a couple of weeks.  I am on a waiting list to get him in, but decided to follow up and see if there had been any pre-preschool dropouts in the meantime.  I was told that there may be a spot for him, but they wouldn’t know for sure for a week or two.  I told her I wasn’t in any hurry and 2 weeks would actually be ideal for a start date.

This morning when I dropped Kamryn off at school, she was all smiles and didn’t have a care in the world.  It made it really easy on me as well.  I know this has a lot to do with her being in her Pre-K class last year, being familiar with the school, having the same teacher and seeing lots of familiar faces.  It didn’t even phase me that my little girl was starting kindergarten.Then I saw my friend, Patty.  She just sent her two youngest girls off for their first day of kindergarten and she was a little glum.  Poor Patty.  I still have Rory to send off to school so I know I have two years before I need to face that realization that there will be no more 1st days of kindergarten.

I went home and started organizing the kitchen to accommodate all the food I bought at Costco last night so I could easily make Kamryn’s lunch in the morning.  That got me thinking…if Rory starts preschool, he’ll go 3 days a week.  At first that was so exciting for me.  I thought of all the things I could get done during a week, but seriously, after about 2 weeks, what else am I going to do?  And then, I was the glum one.  I started to get all teary-eyed thinking of sending my little boy to preschool.

Someone once asked me if I just had Rory for entertainment purposes.  Well, no…I had no idea he would be as entertaining as he is, that’s just a bonus.  Today I got a super bonus.

I had to go to Home Depot to pick up some plumbing supplies.  (Note to self, don’t become a plumber.  It sucks.)  I still had 45 minutes before I had to pick up Kamryn and it wasn’t worth it to go home and leave again so we went over to Ross to browse.  I picked out a couple of things for the kids – a first day of school present – I don’t know why I insist on spoiling my children.  Anyway, we were standing in line and a very short man walked past Rory and I.

Now, Rory is barely 3 feet tall himself, and this man, while he wasn’t technically a Little Person, he was a very short man.  He was probably in his mid to late 60’s, and not quite 5 feet tall.

The minute Rory saw him, his eyes got wide.  I was already biting the inside of my cheek just because of Rory’s reaction.  But then, he turned to me and shouted, “That guy is LITTLE!”  I heard a couple of snickers behind me and I now had my teeth fully imbedded into the flesh in my cheek.  I stood, looking straight ahead of me as the little man turned and looked in our direction.

That got Rory a little too excited and he started to say it again!  He got out, “Mama, look at that…” and I nudged him on the arm and said the first thing that popped in my head, “Come on, we need to go get Sissy!”  That was enough of an interruption to at least stop him mid-sentence.

Luckily, it was our turn to pay and we got the hell out of there.  I stepped outside and out came the suppressed laughter.  Rory asked me what I was laughing at, I told him I was laughing at him and he got pissed.  Ahhh, Rory, you must stay home with me and be my little jester for just a bit longer.

Bad Binky!

Rory has used a pacifier since he was a baby.  He got his first taste of a binky when he was in the NICU – not even a full 24 hours old.  Kamryn also used a binky and gave it up completely on her own when she was about 7 months old.  She switched over to sucking her thumb and I tried to get her to go back to the binky for about a week without success.  This is no doubt why I haven’t tried very hard to get Rory to give up his binky.  I hated it when Kamryn sucked her thumb.

On Rory’s 3rd birthday we tried to get rid of his binky, but we discovered that Binky was actually like giving Rory a dose of Ambien and taking it away was like shooting him full of Red Bull.  Another reason I haven’t been forcing him to give it up.

Every day we have multiple instances where Rory is searching for his binky.  We used to have 3 binkies, but we are now down to 1 and I’ll be damned if I go buy anymore.  He’ll ask me where his binky is, I’ll respond that I don’t know and then he’ll say, “You just find it.”  Then he follows me around until I find it asking, “You find my binky?”  Like he wouldn’t be the first I would notify should I find the object of his oral fixation.

This particular binky has been around since Rory was 6 months old.  I’m sure they only have about a 2 month lifespan, but 3 years later, it’s still doing it’s job.  I do examine it every once and awhile to make sure it’s not falling apart, but it’s holding up quite well.  I tried to get him to graduate to an 18 mos+ age binky, but he wouldn’t take it and dubbed it his “yucky binky”.

I don’t allow Rory to take his binky out of the house unless we are going on a trip.  We kept track of Binky fairly well on our trip last week and only had one instance where I thought we had lost it.  We had just boarded the last leg of our flight home and the minute we started to taxi down the runway, Rory was asking for his binky.  I told him he had to wait until the pilot said it was OK to get it out of his bag.  It was 10:00pm, we were all exhausted and Rory just wanted to fall asleep.

As we began to lift into the air, I was trying to remember where I put Binky.  I know Rory had it in the Denver airport, but I didn’t remember picking it up when we got in line to board the plane.  Instant panic struck.  If I didn’t have his binky he was going to be crying the entire way home – not to mention he would be incredibly difficult to get to bed once we did get home.

I was actually starting to sweat a little bit and against Sky Law, I took off my seat belt and started rummaging through all of our carry on luggage.  It wasn’t in Rory’s bag or Kamryn’s and I was sure it wasn’t in mine because how could I not remember putting it in there less than 20 minutes prior?  Never underestimate the mind sucking powers of air travel followed by a full day at a state fair, for there, in the side pocket of my bag was Binky.

I threw Binky over to Rory and decided that we needed to get rid of that thing once and for all.  I can’t be having panic attacks at 30,000 feet over that stupid thing.

Today, Rory once again was searching for Binky and asked me to find it.  I told him I wasn’t going to find it and if he wanted to have a binky, he had to have Yucky Binky.  He agreed and I pulled Yucky Binky out of a drawer and tossed it over to him.  Now I had to hunt down the real deal and hide it.  I found it on the counter in the bathroom and threw it in the drawer.  I was going to throw it in the garbage, but I couldn’t.  My little buddy has been sucking on that thing since he was an infant.  Before he could crawl, walk, or say really funny, inappropriate things.

As it turns out, I’m a little attached to Binky too.  However, I don’t need to see it in his gob.  I’m perfectly happy with it tucked away in a drawer.  Rory gave Yucky Binky a go and he ended up passing out on my bed for 4 hours.When he woke up, he said his teeth hurt.  Perfect.  My master plan is working.  Even if he doesn’t get rid of Yucky Binky for awhile, at least it’s pushing out his teeth a little bit and I’m hoping that after a full night of Yucky Binky, he is going to actually dislike Yucky Binky and give it up completely.


Bad News #2

There has been an outpouring of concern for Rory and his temporarily green iridescent franks and beans.  He is fine.  All is back to normal in regards to color and there has been no additional pain or discomfort for the boy.

The posts over the next week will be most likely be considerably shorter in nature.  We are heading back to Iowa for about 5 days so I will be busy packing, traveling and then unpacking.  This leads me bad news #2.

We had some errands to run today to get ready for our trip so it’s one of those days that Kamryn claims is “Not fun at all”.  We ran to Costco, Target, the library and somewhere else, that I can’t seem to recall.  I also had to get a quick run in this morning.

I picked up some of those little travel bottles to put shampoo in while at Target.  I don’t know what they do to the samples of shampoo and conditioner, but it never seems like it’s the same stuff when I buy those little bottles.  I used to take all of the hotel toiletries and then use them when I travel, but they are horrendous.  The lotion is like water, the conditioner doesn’t come close to conditioning and the shampoo barely gets sudsy.

This time I was filling up my own bottles with my own shampoo and conditioner so I don’t have to sit for 30 minutes trying to get the knots out of my hair after a shower.  I was almost out of both shampoo and conditioner – it was the perfect amount to fill my little travel bottles.  I had them balanced on top of the little containers with a steady stream of product flowing in.

Rory was incredibly curious about this process, but I kicked him out of the bathroom and told him to stay out.  He would sneak back there to check things out on occasion, but actually had the self control not to touch anything.  Once I was sure I had every last drop of shampoo and conditioner out of the big bottles, I screwed the lids on my little containers and left them, along with all of my other toiletries that are going to be packed, on the chest in my room.

Rory was back playing in his room, or so I thought, when he came out and said he liked to drink shampoo.  He was licking his lips and I asked him if he drank my shampoo.  He said, “Yeah, Mama!  It’s yummy!  I love it!”

Sure as shit, I went back to find the lid of my travel bottle covered in spit and shampoo.  I get the Costco, gluten free, vegan shampoo so I assume it’s safe for 3 year old consumption.

Bad News

When Kamryn tells me she has bad news, I know immediately it involves Rory in one way or another and I’m going to be cleaning something.  What that something is, only finding a little 3 year old boy will reveal that information.

After Kamryn told me she had bad news, I heard a door shut.  Rory was hiding.  I got up and went back towards my bedroom and there was the unmistakable odor of fingernail polish.  I saw the lid and brush to a bottle of green polish on the bathroom floor and the bottle a couple feet away, thankfully right side up.

Rory was taking shelter in the other bathroom.  I opened the door to a naked little boy who had painted himself, namely his penis, in green fingernail polish.  The unfortunate property of fingernail polish is that it gets very sticky as it dries and Rory was discovering that his twig was sticking to his berries and it wasn’t very pleasant, although he still was giggling about his self made body art.

I was stifling a laugh and trying to speak in my stern voice, but I don’t think I pulled it off.  I sent Rory out to the living room to show his father what he had done.  As much as Ryan was trying to sound disappointed, he wasn’t very convincing either.

I had the fingernail polish remover in hand and told Rory he wasn’t going to like the removal process.  I started at his face and worked my way down.  As you might expect, it was all fun and games until Rory felt the sting of the acetone in his nether regions.

That’s a sting that’s going to stick with him for awhile and there was no argument when I told him to stay out of the fingernail polish.

Spa Day!

Each year my friend, Rochelle (b-day 7/1) and I (b-day 7/29) schedule a spa day to celebrate our July birthdays.  Massages, facials, manis, pedis and the occasional waxing are scheduled and then followed with a lunch and drinks to repollute our bodies with all of the toxins that were steamed, scrubbed and scraped off.

This year, I wanted to try a microdermabrasion treatment.  I have gotten facials in the past, but now that I’m closer to 40 than I am to 30, I thought I better up the power and take off a couple of layers of skin from my face.  Before the esthetician started the procedure, she warned me that it wasn’t a relaxing procedure.  I assured her that it was OK because I had a massage scheduled right after.  She made a couple of other somewhat discouraging comments and I started to think I may have made a horrible mistake.

Looking back on it, I told her that I was turning 36 in a week and I wanted her to make me look 26.  I was kidding, but maybe she didn’t get my joke and didn’t want me to have too high of expectations.  Well, the joke’s on her because I can see a HUGE difference!  I highly recommend microdermabrasion and I’ll definitely be doing another in the future.  I told her she completely undersold the treatment and there were actually parts of it that were relaxing.

I asked Ryan if he could tell the difference and like a good husband, he said, “Yeah.”  But he had a weird smile on his face and I know that smile means I’m only saying that because that is what you want me to say and I don’t want to be a dick.  I kept pushing and then he said, “Do you have make-up on?”  I told him I didn’t.  He replied, “Your face looks like it does when you have make-up on.”  Sah-weeet!

After my microdermabrasion, I relaxed while Rochelle finished up her massage since we were using the same masseuse.  Last year, the masseuse that did our massages was not good.  Before he started the massage he said if he did anything I didn’t like to tell him.  Well, that’s great, but I’m supposed to be relaxing and possibly drifting off to sleep – not telling you that I don’t like the karate chopping motion you are doing on my back.  Yes, he actually did the chopping.

Rochelle walked out after her massage and had an “Oh. My. God.”  look on her face.  In the good way.  She said the massage was fabulous.  I was getting pretty excited since I get a massage oh, let’s see…once a year.

Well, Rochelle was right.  It was one of the best massages I have ever had.  I’m pretty sure I walked out after with the same expression on my face that Rochelle had.  There was just enough pressure and the right areas were focused on more than others.  The best part was when she was massaging my hands.  Yes, my hands.  I could have laid there forever with her kneading my palms.

Once all of our treatments were finished, we headed over to a nearby pub close to the beach to rehydrate.  Ryan and the kids were supposed to meet us for a late lunch, but no kids were allowed in the bar so we had to pack it up and head to another place.

We ended up eating huge burritos, chimichangas and the biggest tostada I have ever seen.  It was a nice way to wind down after a morning of relaxation.  My car was still at Rochelle’s house so I sent Ryan and the kids on their way and went to pick up my car.

I was driving my 2001 Civic – a car that I rarely drive anymore, but it’s so much fun to drive.  It has a manual transmission so I feel like I’m driving a race car, especially after hauling around in a big SUV all the time.  I’m low to the ground and I can dart in and out of traffic.  Right now the air conditioning doesn’t blow any cold air so I was driving with the windows down.  If anyone was heading north on the 15 this afternoon and you heard someone screeching out the lyrics to Purple Rain…that was me.

I was happily driving along, had a fully belly, my muscles were all nice and relaxed.  I was feeling good.  And then, the text message:

That lady is still in your spot.  If she is still there when u get here, she left a note to call her to move it.  Rory puked on the drive home…Kamryn and I were both gagging.


Ryan told a woman who was waiting for a visitor’s spot that she could park in one of our spots for a couple of hours before he left.  When I got home, her car was still there.  I called the number on the windshield and she came right out, told me how nice my husband was for letting her park there and then moved her car.

Once I got inside, Rory ran to tell me he threw up.  Ryan said he was waiting for me to get home before he cleaned it up, but I knew if he did it and then I went out and smelled puke the next time I got in the car, I was going to be pissed so I did it myself.  Now if it still smells like puke, I only have myself to blame.  It wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be, but my relaxation buzz was starting to wear off.

A little while later, Kamryn came out of the bathroom and told me that Rory peed on her leg.  He was sidling right along next to her and when I asked him why he did that he said, in Rory speak, “A-cause I haffa go pee and Sissy on dere.”  Translation:  I had to pee and thought it would be funny to pee on my sister instead of going to the other bathroom to relieve myself.  Kamryn declared that it itched and was hot.  Uh, yeah…it’s urine, go wash it off.

Not long after the peeing incident, Rory spit on his sister.  Ryan escorted him to his room where he stayed for a whole 2 minutes before coming out, administered his apologetic hug to his sister and I talked to him about the rights and wrongs of spitting.

And finally, once again, Rory has been sent to his room for not listening.

Rory = 4

Relaxation = -1,845,295


Being a pain in the butt really wears a boy out.